Weeding My Emotional Garden

What I heard loud and clear in the weeding of my flowerbed by the strong and gentle pine was that I had not recovered the loss of my deepest feminine side of who I am and who I want to be.  So with each weed I pulled, with each root I dug from the earth..

I don’t garden or for that matter pull many weeds in my flower beds.  Looking at my life the past, oh let’s say close to 18 or so years, I’ve not done much of the things many women do.  Yes, I occasionally cook but my wonderful husband does most of the cooking when he’s home.  I don’t sew anymore, crochet, garden, weed, or much decorating of our home… the softer things in life.  I’ve done enough to get by so to speak.

This week something shifted and changed.  I became obsessed with the flower beds, thanks to a wonderful friend that has a passion for gardening and making life beautiful on the outside of the house.  So I weeded my flowerbed in the front of my house.  It had become consumed with weeds, invasive ones with very deep with a very intrecuit root system.  I dug and dug and pulled as much of the root system out as I could.  It looks beautiful.

I moved to the trees in my backyard that surround our gazebo and weeded around them.  And the bed by our back door.  Then to the bed beside a huge pine tree which also held deep rooted invasive weeds that were overtaking the hostas and beautiful lilies planted there.

As I dig those invasive weeds out, tugging and pulling at the root system, a flash of awareness came upon me.

How have I weeded my emotional garden?  Have I pulled out the invasive root system that has created a difference from events in my life those 18 or so years ago?

Surely all the personal growth work I’ve done in those years has reached the root system.  But not to it’s core, not to the invasiveness of the “thoughts” that were planted in my subconscious so many years ago and watered and nurtured over those years.  I had not gotten deep into the root system enough to eliminate the weeds from continuing their growth and reseeding each year.  Sprouting new growth.  I thought I knew the origin of the weeds, and yes I had dug deep to find the meaning of those weeds.  But I had not dug deep enough to eradicate the root system from coming back year after year.

As I dug at the root of the weeds in my garden, my emotional garden was being tended to as well.  With each weed and root I pulled, I became aware of the depth of my sadness and pain.  Aware of the roots of pain that had pushed aside my creative feminine side of who I had been years ago.  The sadness that accompanies a marriage ending, the loss of friends, family and most of all the loss of step-children that had become so much a part of my life whom I loved to the core of my being.

My life has recovered.  I have a wonderful happy life, with my fantastic husband who loves me for the “who” that I am.  I even have a beautiful renewed relationship with my former husbands children, that continues to blossom and flower brightly with the passing of each day.  My life is rich, full and wonderful… more than I could have dreamed it to be. 

So what had not been weeded out?  What part of the root system still grew inside of me? 

What I heard loud and clear in the weeding of my flowerbed by the strong and gentle pine was that I had not recovered the loss of my deepest feminine side of who I am and who I want to be.  So with each weed I pulled, with each root I dug from the earth I visualized it as eradicating a deeper belief that I had to be stronger, that flexibility in relationships was a sign of weakness and surely a path to great sadness and pain.  I eliminated those beliefs that have racked my being for the past 19 years.  I pulled out the emotional weeds that remained in my internal beautiful garden called “self”. 

Have I regained that feminine side of me?  I’ve planted a new seed, one that requires nurturing, watering, sunlight and love to grow into the beautiful garden called “me”.  I am feeding it and nurturing it so the roots can take hold strongly.  I see weeds sprout up here & there, but I gentle smile at them and pull them out!  Planting new seeds takes time.  The root system is fragile and just beginning to take hold in the earth.  But I know, it is taking hold and growing.  I can feel it in my soul.  And it is beautiful!

Have you weeded your emotional garden lately?  Have you gotten to the invasive root system?  Have you planted new seeds and nurtured them to growth?

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